"Contact Us After the Holidays"

Loyal readers, that grinding sound you've been hearing was the gears in my brain spinning wildly as I tried to find a way to complain about an especially annoying aspect of unemployment, "the holidays," without sounding whiny.

As in, "Contact us after the holidays." If you're made an economic statistic about anytime after Nov. 1, you can count on hearing that sentence more often than you hear that "with the stucco and rock products from The General" ad during the national talk shows slot on your local radio station. Even people who have employment ads running in the paper from November to December will make you sweat through Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas and New Year's before giving you their Final Answer. You may be invited to apply, may talk by phone or e-mail with the hiring manager, may even get an interview -- but unless it's holiday temporary work, you probably won't get an up or down decision before it's time to throw out the old calendars.

We're told to think of those less fortunate at this time of year, but it's tough to find time to do something meaningful. Hiring managers, here's something that would mean a lot to those unfortunate souls looking for jobs over the holidays: Don't put them off until after your presents are unwrapped and your champagne corks popped. Making your hiring decisions this year instead of next could mean a little relief from a New Year's Eve spent worrying about the future instead of gazing in wonder at how the scientists with their formaldehyde and liquid nitrogen manage to preserve Dick Clark so well year after year.

Friday Accident=Monday Lawyer Letters

Lincoln lawyers are quick on the trigger. Got smooshed between a Ford F-150 and an Oldsmobile Bravada on Friday. Got six invitations to lawyer up on Monday.

Three of the attorneys even sent me a copy of my accident report, which saved me from having to print the PDF off of the Lincoln Police Department Web site. Points to Steven A. Montag for smarts: He stamped his name and telephone number on the accident report. The other two report copies will just have to languish in anonymity.

Here's what I learned from the lawyers' letters:

1. Insurance companies are evil.
2. Insurance companies will make you sign a contract to name your firstborn child "Farmers Mutual Insurance."
3. Did we mention insurance companies are evil?

So I'm hoping Tuesday's mail will contain the last of the lawyer letters. There can't be that many ambulance-chasers in Lincoln ... can there?

53 Degrees Won't Help You Get Your Zs

Insomnia's even less fun when it's 53 degrees in the house and getting out of bed isn't just sleep-depriving, it's subzero.

I've had to shut off the heat at night because the heater, or some process related thereto, produces a clanking noise in the ductwork directly beneath my bed. Moving the bed or sleeping in another room isn't an option -- it can be heard throughout the house, though at a somewhat reduced volume. It sounds like someone tapping an aluminum baseball bat on concrete once every nine seconds.

We've called the heater repair company to no avail. The first person to suggest a solution that (a) eliminates the noise, and (b) keeps the nighttime temperature at 66 degrees, not 53, gets a coupon good for an eternity of my gratitude. (Cash Value 1/10 cent.)