* It's worth it.
Budapest, Hungary, has a number of thermal baths—spas, really—fed by natural hot-water springs. They are fun and relaxing to visit, after you figure them out, which is no easy task.
The system is complicated enough that I don't think it would be straightforward even for someone who spoke Hungarian. Therefore, let my confused wanderings and my getting lost in a steamy spa basement be to your benefit as I present these step-by-step constructions.
1. Go to Széchenyi, and only Széchenyi. Rudas is men-only, and was closed for renovation during the alleged mixed-gender weekend hours. It is forever dead to me. Gellért has enough stairs to give a teenage athlete knee problems. Palatinus, on Margaret Island, is pretty, with cool slides, but it's more of an outdoor water park. Go to Széchenyi. The subway lets you out about about 100 meters away. (Curiously, however, the directional signs for tourists, posted in English outside the subway stop, do not point to Széchenyi.)
2. Enter the baths side (southeast). I can't be held responsible for what will happen to you if you enter on the opposite side of this rather large complex.
3. You will see many signs on the wall and on sandwich boards. A few are translated in part into English. Ignore them and march confidently through the vestibule into the lobby, where you will see a number of cashier windows. Near the cashier windows you will see a lengthy price list, offering various things you don't need and which could very well injure you if mistakenly applied/ingested/undertaken. Ignore the price list, which seems deliberately designed to confuse you (or at least me).
3. Take 6,400 forints out of your wallet or Everfull Purse and approach the youngest cashier, who is most likely to speak English should difficulties arise (which they should not if you follow these instructions). Hold up a thumb and say, "one Kabine" (pronounce it KAH-bean-ah). Briefly retract and then re-present the thumb and say, "and one locker" (pronounce it LOCK-er). Plunk down your money (you did count out the right amount, yes?), smile broadly, stroke the lucky totem of your choice, and hope for the best.
5. If all goes well, you should receive two plastic cards and one paper receipt. All three are crucial, young and soon-to-be-steamy grasshopper; guard them zealously from any folding, wetting, mutilation, or other misadventure. Take them and proceed forward to where a line should be formed in front of a gate operated by a spa employee.
6. Stand in this line patiently, with a smile on your face and a song in your heart, as the employee lets through random people whose cards look just like yours and who cut to the front of the line. Make no attempt to understand the system, and for heaven's sake don't become frustrated; the cortisol stress hormone you'll generate smells terrible when mixed with 38-degree Celsius thermal bath water.
7. When your turn comes, present your card to the gate attendant, who will run it over an optical scanner. Take the card back. Proceed forward and follow the sign to the Kabine. Look for a woman dressed all in white; she's the Kabine room attendant. If necessary, say "Kabine?" with an interrogatory look on your face (it may be wise to practice this look beforehand; one must always be prepared).
8. Present your paper receipt to the woman in white; it is proof that you followed these instructions and shelled out the extra buck fifty (equivalent) for the comfy Kabine. She will give you a round metal chit on a loop of string. On the chit is a number. You would think this number would be the number of your Kabine; if you thought that, you would be wrong. The woman in white will write that number on a chalkboard inside the Kabine, then gesture meaningfully to a different number on the outside of the door and say, "Remember." (It would be helpful here if a Vulcan mind meld were applied, as Spock did with McCoy while Khan's wrath was in process, but our woman in white possessed no such skills.)
9. Remember the number on the door.
10. Enter your comfy Kabine and change clothes. Consider carefully the items you want to take with you, such as sunscreen and sunglasses, and the items you want to leave behind, such as your sweat socks and soccer pads (if any). Your left items will be quite secure, never fear (and you won't fear if you ignore the many, many signs disclaiming responsibility for valuables left in the (locked!) Kabine.
11. Exit your Kabine and gently gain the attention of the woman in white, which may involve waiting as she performs locking or unlocking services for others. It should go without saying that one should not irritate the woman in white, as she possesses the only key granting access to your delicate underthings and such. The woman in white will lock your Kabine, and off you will go.
12. Follow the signs to the baths. (The signs seem to improve in quality and quantity as you proceed farther into the complex, perhaps as a reward for making it this far.) Upon locating a shower, use it; if you walked through a typical Budapest summer day to get there, you'll have lots to rinse off. Besides, there are signs everywhere saying showering is compulsory, and you would not want to be growled at by a bath employee. In Hungarian.
13. Now the relaxation finally begins. It is really fun exploring and trying out all the baths. Each bath's temperature is clearly marked on plaques placed in fairly obvious locations. Thirty-eight degrees Celsius is the hottest you'll find. That's about American hot tub hot; in other words, it will make your forehead sweat, and if you're like me, you won't want to stay in more than five minutes. The 34-degree and 36-degree baths are just lovely, thank you. There are also much colder waters, such as 20 degrees and 24 degrees. Why someone would want to plumb those depths is beyond me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.
14. You can stay as long as you'd like, which in my case was seven hours. When it's time to go, attract the attention of the woman in white, and answer affirmatively when she asks, "Finish?" (Do not say, "I'm not Finnish, I'm Danish!" That's only funny in Genoa.) Dress, and proceed to the exit (which as I recall was fairly clearly marked). There you will find another gate attendant to whom you must present your plastic card (you did guard it zealously, yes?). He will scan it, present you with yet another paper receipt, and off you will go.
15. Use caution on the subway escalator, which runs twice as fast as American ones and is treacherous in any situation, but especially when you're all relaxed and rubber-legged.
